it's my own remorse, help me to decide
by princessmelia
Summary: <html><head></head>Simmons wants to help Fitz in any way she can, even if it means putting her soul on the line. She goes to May for help. May and Simmons friendship with Fitzsimmons friendship.</html>


_**A/N-** A possible explanation for Simmons working for Hydra and how she gets there._

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><p>She had only gone to May for advice a handful of times before in her life, and she was dreading doing it again. Simmons' fingers twined nervously in her hair as she approached the door. May and Skye had just come back from running a mission, and she knew she wouldn't be in the best of moods. There'd been gunfire and they'd only managed to get half of the information Coulson wanted before they'd had to go dark.<p>

Simmons had stood waiting for them in the hangar, but when May slammed the SUV door and clacked angrily away, Simmons had lost her nerve. The matter she was going to May about was crucial and delicate, and if she handled it the wrong way it could blow up in her face.

But it couldn't be put off any longer. Gathering her courage, Simmons disentangled her hand from her hair, moving it to knock on the metal door in front of her.

"Not now," May answered from inside her room.

Taking another breath, Simmons knocked on the door relentlessly, not trusting her voice to persuade May in a gentler fashion.

All of a sudden she was knocking on air as the door was swung open.

"I said not now," May told Simmons with a glare as she began to close the door again. Quickly, Simmons stuck her foot in the way, bracing herself for the pain of her foot being crushed. May stopped just short of it, however, and turned her gaze back to Simmons. "What?"

"I need to talk to you."

"About what?"

Simmons glanced both ways down the hallway. It was empty, but the fact didn't give her any consolation. If anyone heard what she was planning, it would ruin everything. "Can we discuss it in your room?"

May appraised her briefly before swinging the door fully open. Simmons bowed her head as she walked inside, the feeling of trespassing heavy in her gut. The room was large, as far as rooms at the base went. May's had enough room for a bed, a desk and chair set, a closet, and two floor mats, presumably for her and Skye to do Tai Chi in the morning.

Simmons grimaced as she looked at them. It'd been a long time since she spoke more than a few words to either May or Skye.

"Why are you here?"

Long hair twirled in the air as she spun to face May, who was still leaning against the door. She looked less harsh, somehow. Simmons thought May would get tougher, but she just seemed weary and worn down. Not that she couldn't still put it up in a fight, but that she was tired of wearing the armor constantly. Simmons thought she might know what that feels like, too.

"I need your opinion on something. And possibly your help."

May's eyebrows knit together. "Go on."

Simmons glanced around the room before beginning the speech she'd given a hundred times over in her head. "Fitz's recovery is not moving as fast as I, as any of us, would like." She licked her lips after the slip up before moving on. "We don't have the equipment nor the research to properly assess the damage and help him along. So I began to look for outside resources."

The nod May gave her almost seemed like she knew where she was going. And the way her arms uncrossed and hung at her sides made Simmons almost sure of it.

"And I found them. Laboratories that have chemicals and technology we could use that would help him. But they're… They're not sanctioned labs."

"Hydra," May said what Simmons was afraid to voice. "They're not gone."

Simmons shook her head. "Almost none of them are. They're playing dead."

May moved to sit on the bed. "I figured as much." She gestured next to her and Simmons sat down in the empty space. "Why haven't you told Coulson?"

Simmons bit her lip. She knew the question was coming, and she knew her answer was selfish. "Director Coulson has been very busy lately. And if he knew these Hydra bases were out there, he would destroy them. I need their resources, not their destruction." She turned to face May more head on, stopping her hands only inches above May's leg before she remembered who she was speaking to. "I need to right my wrongs. Fitz is like this because of me, and I can't rest at night until I've done everything I can for him. If I let this slip by, I couldn't live with myself. Please, May. Can you understand that?"

And there was the moment everything hinged on. If May didn't understand, Simmons would be reported to Coulson for keeping such valuable information from him. She'd be reprimanded at the very least, probably put on probation or whatever form of that they had now. And even if May did understand, but didn't agree with her, she could very well end up in the same situation.

May's mouth pursed into a straight line. She cracked the knuckles on her right hand. She cracked the knuckles on her left hand. She took a deep breath in. She let it out.

"I understand it," she said finally. Simmons held her breath. May sat still before taking a frustrating breath and jamming the heels of her hands into her thighs. "And I'll help."

"Really?" May turned to give her a withering look, so Simmons quickly covered up the stupid question, leaning forward in her excitement. "Thank you, May, I don't know how I can-"

"You do everything I say, is that clear?" May's face was serious and her eyes had that fierce protectiveness in them.

Simmons nodded and sat back under the gaze. "Crystal."

"Going in deep isn't easy. And if you don't do it correctly, you could die. Or be tortured for information. You won't be yourself after it, either. You will do things that don't sit right with you at night." Simmons' stomach began to do flips. She'd known all this, of course. But that was hypothetical. Now it was real. Well, real if she wanted it to be real. "Are you sure you want to go through with this?"

Simmons would have to work for Hydra. Really and truly work for them. Build weapons, work on gifteds, possibly fight and kill in the field, all for them. But it wouldn't be for them, it would be for Fitz and for herself. And she had to try, didn't she?

If she thought about it too long, she knew she would back out. The smart thing, the moral thing, would be to stay. But it was something she couldn't do in her heart.

"I'm sure," she answered. May peered close at her face, as if she were looking for something. Simmons sat still and waited until she was finished. Seemingly satisfied, May began instructing Simmons on what she needed to do.

"If you can, gather other intel. It will make your transition back here smoother, especially on Coulson. You're going to have to convince him to let you go, too. No mention of Hydra." May scrutinized her. "Don't flat out lie, you don't have it in you yet. Almost, but not quite. And it's easier to lie to strangers than your family. Mask the truth, but use it. Tell him it's for Fitz."

"Tell him it's for Fitz. That I'm going to find some way to help him?"

May shook her head. "Don't, he'll be suspicious. Tell him you think Fitz would be better if you weren't here. That he needs to grow on his own."

"But…" Simmons fiddled with her hands in her lap. "He does need someone."

The strong hand May placed on her shoulder made her head snap up. "He does. And you can stay and be that for him or you can go get the resources you need. If you go, I'll help as much as I can, but I'm not you. I have my own work."

"I understand." Simmons took a big breath before she nodded again with determination. "So how do you go deep?"

"If you want in to Hydra, you'll have to prove you're you. They'll have a few S.H.I.E.L.D. records, but not much else. Skye wiped everything. Don't give a fake name, they'll recognize Simmons and know what you've done in the past. Tell them that working under Coulson has been hell. He lacks resources, he's under staffed, nowhere near where Hydra is. And tell them you've been meaning to do some less than SHIELD worthy experiments anyway.

"If you run into us, we are your enemies. Shoot at us. Play against us until you have the intel and research you need. You love your new life, and don't forget it. Every moment is new and happy. Forget who you were here."

May stood then and crossed the room to her desk, pulling out a pair of scissors from a drawer. "Changing your appearance can help with that."

Shakily Simmons stood and moved to stand next to May, taking the scissors from her.

"Wait until Coulson has given you the all clear. You can come back to me then, and we'll fix you up. Deal?"

Simmons nodded. "Deal." May gave her a curt nod in reply before walking back over to her bed and sitting down, a clear dismissal. Jemma made it to the door before she turned around. "Thank you, May. This means a lot to me."

"Just be careful out there, alright?" And for the first time, Simmons saw the exterior fade a bit, saw the anxious woman under the tough facade. May was worried for her, genuinely and truly.

"I will be."

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><p><em>Thoughts?<em>

**-princessmelia**


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